Talk to your kids about how they can be of service to those less fortunate. “Not only are you modeling concern for others by asking these questions, but you’re teaching your child to think about the world in a different way - that it isn’t all about him or her.” “Make sure at least half of your questions are about your child’s friends or about how your child treats others,” says Borba. They are just trying to understand what’s going on and us telling them the truth is how they learn.”Īn emphasis on regular family togetherness, such as at mealtime, is a great way to foster empathy in children. But shielding kids from everything is a big mistake. “Parents jump through hoops to not tell kids the family pet has died or a relative has passed away. “Sheltering kids is such an American concept,” says Wegner. “They asked why someone would shoot people and we explained that there wasn’t enough love, compassion, or empathy in the world.” “The kids were surprisingly able to handle the information,” recalls Potts. The family attended a vigil earlier this year for the victims of the Orlando nightclub shooting, and Potts and her husband explained to their 5- and 6-year-olds the reason they were there. “I felt that they should understand that the world really isn’t fair for some people,” says Potts, who lives in Falmouth. Weary of fielding complaints over the type of pasta she served for dinner - one night, it was tri-color instead of spiral shaped! - and frustrated by her daughter saying life was unfair because she didn’t have the pillow she wanted, Colette Potts, a mother of three and family therapist with a master’s degree in education, made the decision not to “sugar coat” things for her kids anymore. “Middle school and high school kids should be able to grasp the severity of the situation with the refugees in Syria.” “Keep widening their circle of concern the older they get,” says Weissbourd. But they must also learn to develop empathy for the people they encounter in their daily lives: a server at a restaurant, the bus driver, the school secretary. There might be a kid who is ostracized on the playground - ask your child how he or she thinks that that person feels.”Īs kids get older, it’s usual for them to have empathy for their family and close friends. “Try to get them to focus on how other kids are feeling. Weissbourd encourages parents to be less focused on how their kids are feeling moment to moment. “When you see a lack of caring or unkindness, don’t be afraid to lay down the law and say, ‘Not in this family,’ ” says Borba. And instead of stressing that you want them to be happy, stress that you want your children to be kind. “Tell them they can’t quit the soccer team because it will let down their teammates,” Borba says. To that end, parents need to make teamwork and caring a priority - even if it elicits grumbles from the kids. “So there’s a between what parents spout and what they convey to their children.” When the kids were asked how they thought their parents would rank the qualities, they were most inclined to say their parents valued achievement over caring,” he says. “About 80 percent of them rank achievement as being more important than happiness, which won out over caring. Yet Weissbourd cites a Harvard study he conducted among 10,000 middle and high school kids where success was deemed more important than being a caring person. Parents want to raise kind, caring, considerate kids. Studies show that kids who understand others’ points of view are better adjusted, more popular, and even have healthier peer relationships. “Although everyone’s feelings and thoughts are important, take an authoritative stance - the home shouldn’t be a democracy.” It’s crucial, says Wegner, that parents establish that they are making the decisions.
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